


Sometimes Quiet is Violent

by MsSunfire



Series: Brick by boring brick [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Friendship, Help, Overdosing, Pain, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sorry Not Sorry, angst so much agnst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-07 04:58:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5444156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsSunfire/pseuds/MsSunfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Breathe. </p><p>It's a simple action your body is compelled to repeat, over and over. The oxygen goes in, filtered, distributed, processed, and the release of carbon dioxide. You don’t think about it. It just happens. Its how your body stays alive. </p><p>Breathe.<br/>....<br/>~<br/>Darcy's battle to recovery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. My lungs will fill and then deflate

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third installment of Brick by boring brick series. I suggest reading the first two before this one.  
> Sorry for not add more sooner, life happens and we don't always get to do the things we want. I am not promising how often I will update since this will be a multi-chapter fic prob be around 6-7 chapters, but I am going to try to finish this before next semester. Beta volunteer welcomed.

**Darcy**

Breathe.

 

It's a simple action your body is compelled to repeat, over and over.

Inhale.

The oxygen goes into you body, filtered, distributed, processed, and then releases  carbon dioxide.

Exhale.  

You don’t think about it. It just happens. Its how your body stays alive.

 

Breathe.

 

Inhale.

 

Exhale.

 

It’s so easy. You never notice.

 

Inhale.

 

Exhale.

 

Breathe.

 

“Darcy, are you okay?”

 

Inhale.

 

Exhale.

 

You never notice until you can’t. Until it’s too late.

 

Inhale.

 

Exhale.

 

“Darcy?”

 

Breathe.

 

Inhale.

 

Exhale.

 

I can feel the burning pain, but I am so numb anymore it's more like a brush of fur against my mind.  The black is fading in around me.

 

Just Breathe.

 

“DARCY!!!”

 

I can’t breathe. It’s so dark…………

  


In High school, I once asked my anatomy teacher what it was like to suffocate.  His answer has haunted me for years.  “ Imagine,” He said. “ An overwhelming need to do something, heart racing, the roar of sounds you can’t comprehend in the background. The agonizing sensation burning its way into your chest, clawing up your throat. You want to quench the need, like when you thirst for water, but you're unable, incapacitated, overwhelmed.  Darkness bleeds into your vision, like your looking through a foggy mirror….and not matter what you do you can’t just grasp the thing you need the most. “ He stared me into my eyes and I know that I would never forget this moment. “It feels like hopelessness, Ms. Lewis.”

 

He was right. He must have known.

 

I am sorry….Clint.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  



	2. I know it's dire My time today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For years to come, anyone who knew what happened would never know how tiny Jane Foster was able to break down the door to Darcy’s room. No matter how much velocity or strength Jane could muster after words it would never be the equal force to break down a solid oak door. It was physically impossible, but humans have shown that impossible can happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am a liar Liar who lies.... I want to have this done sooner and post it yesterday. In my defense it was my son birthday and I saw star wars.....Star Wars people!!!!! It should be forgiven.. lol

**Jane**

 

Jane Foster believed herself to be a woman of scientific reason.  She thought theories through, reached to prove the impossible was possible.  Worked to be well rounded and knowledgeable in her areas of study. She surrounded herself with well educated influences and conversations well worth while.

So when 25 year old, political science honor student Darcy Lewis was the only applicant for her internship, she logically thought that it was a good fit. Not perfect, but if this student had high honors and close to graduation then there was no worried about any partying sorority girl or show off frat boy.

 

Jane never had a friend before that wasn't Science! It was nice, hanging out just talking about movies, boys/men, getting food together, dancing around the lab. Darcy was something Jane never had and everything she ever wanted for an intern. Darcy busted around daily with uncontrollable force of energy, completing tasks thoroughly and to a degree of perfection. Jane was convinced she was a godsend.

 

“Hey Darcy Have you seen my notebook? I need to recalculate the numbers from last night's readings.” Jane yelled across the lab as she typed vigorously on her computer.

 

“Okay, so they rudimentary angle of the cloudburst last night was…” Jane narrated under her breath. Her brow creased for a second, then she smacked her face against the desk in frustration “ Where is that darn girl?”

 

“Darcy?” Jane blinks looking around the lab. Darcy was just here. Wasn’t she? _Hmmm._

 

With a sigh and groan Jane stood up and stretched her back. “Gah how long have I been at this?”

 

The lab was empty and dark, last thing Jane remembered was Darcy handing her a pop tart. _Oh Pop tart sound great!_ That had to be hours ago, given the starry sky outside. Okay, Find Darcy, get pop tart, find notebook!

 

Darcy for some unknown reason was always up and about when Jane needed her. It was like the girl never slept, okay well Jane herself never slept much either, but still the eerie silence in the lab felt like a foreboding feeling then a comfort. Darcy was usually around proofreading Jane's work, filing, cleaning, dancing, anything.

 

Well she was up until a few months. Something shifted, Darcy was beyond happy before that,  and after the whole Destroyer fight. Then it was like Darcy changed, not completely. Jane just started to notice little things. Shifts in character, activities, moods. They weren’t consistent but Jane had been around her enough to see the difference.Darcy started to have these slight mood shifts, bouts of doubt and anger that had no real reason. Well not a reason that Jane knew of anyway. The young happy intern she hired turned into a swell of depression and Jane was completely lost on what to do.

 

Jane made her way up the stairs from her bottom level lab. It was a nice set up in London, despite  it being in her moms house. Being able to use the bottom level for her lab and work, then the upper levels to live in while her mom was off on extended stay in India we a godsend. There was enough room for Darcy, Erik, Ian,  Jane and Thor without having be crowded.

Jane reached the top of the stairs that lead to the kitchen and pulled some pop tarts out of the cabinet. Signing when she noticed the clock. _2:30Am Damnit_ , Darcy was supposed to have me in bed already, we leave tomorrow for Stark Tower. Where is that girl? Disregarding the pop tarts in frustration, Jane moved toward the hallway. Her and Ian’s light is still on...huh

 

“Darcy?” Jane called out moving closer to the door. She leaned in close when a muffled shuffle was heard.

 

“Darcy are you okay?” This time a thump and more shuffling was heard. Jane reached out to turn the handle. Locked. She jiggled the handle and started pounding on the door.

 

“Darcy??” This time there was no answer, no sound, nothing. Panic rouse inside of Jane. It wasn’t like her to just ignore Jane, even in the middle of the night Darcy would answer or get up on Jane's insistence. _What if someone broke in? What if Darcy was hurt? What if Ian hurt Darcy?_  Jane’s mind raced with probability.

 

Jane shoved her body into the door. Her breath ragged, heart pumping in her ears. It swayed a little under pressure but stayed strong. No sounds could be heard from the other side, no sounds could be heard, save for Jane’s labored breath. Jane’s stepped back two steps and throw her side into the door. Nothing. Then she did it again. And again.  

 

Again.

 

Again.

 

Again.

 

For years to come, anyone who knew what happened would never know how tiny Jane Foster was able to break down the door to Darcy’s room. No matter how much velocity or strength Jane could muster after words it would never be the equal force to break down a solid oak door. It was physically impossible, but humans have shown that impossible can happen. She didn’t remember ramming her body into the door fifteen times, didn't’ remember the adrenaline running in her veins, giving her the strength of a mother bear saving her cub. She didn’t feel the pain in her shoulder, dislocating it from shear force she impacted the door with. All Jane could remember was what happened after words, the scene inside the room. How minutes seemed like hours.

 

The door gave way and cracked off the handle open in a swift bang to the other wall. Jane’s eyes squinted out against the blinding light from the room spilling into the dark hallway. She raised her hands to help her eyes adjust. Stepping into the room Jane stood shock, it could have been for a hour, a minute, that Jane stood there and stared at the horror.

There laid out on the bed was Darcy and Ian. At first glance it almost look like they were sleeping, but this wasn’t the case. Darcy lay on her left side, hair spread out across her body in damp clumps. Her face was pale, no pale didn’t describe it. It was translucent white, blue veins popped out of her face; the color gone from her lips.  Coming around the bed Jane noticed her arm out stretched across the bed, Darcy’s arm with a tight black tourniquet.

 

With the needle still embedded into her skin.

"DARCY???" Jane jumped into action towards Darcy. Laying her fingers on her wrist. _Pulse, weak. but pulse._ Jane glanced over at Ian for the first time. He laid there next to Darcy, needle in arm, pale. Cold to Jane's touch. Eyes wide open. Jane touched his wrist, then jumped back.  _Oh my god…._

 

 

With a ragged sob, Jane turned back to Darcy. _Just breathe._ With a burst of action, Jane grabbed Darcy’s cell phone that laid next to her prone body. Pulling up the screen, Jane disregarded the picture of an unknown male with a quick swipe and dialed the ambulance.

 

“Hello, I need help at 22B brook ridge rd. My friend she overdosed on heroin…...and her….her boyfriend has no pulse….please...Help…..” Jane sobbed into the phone. She collapsed next to the bed, next to Darcy. Reached out her hand and laid in on Darcy’s leg.

 

Time lost meaning to Jane, it didn’t exist anymore. She could never tell how long it took for them to arrive and put Darcy on oxygen and Ian into a black bag. Time stood still when she gave her statement of what happened. The ride to the hospital, while she clutched Darcy’s hand. Nothing existed anymore but that moment. It didn’t matter when they shocked her friend's heart, shot adrenaline into her veins to revive her heart beat.  

 

Finally when time started again. After the fight for Darcy’s pulse settled. When she watched her friend  get hooked up to wires and tubes, time felt like it rushed forward to greet her. The a gasping sob she broke in the chair next the bed. The smell of antiseptics, the beeping of the machines, the sounds of the Darcy’s forced breathing. It broke her. The adrenaline gone.

 

She sat there alone. Alone with Darcy fading from the world. Jane felt so lost. _How did I miss this? How do you miss something this big?_ Reaching into her pocket, she pulled Darcy’s phone out again. She blinked when a text message popped up with blocked number.

 

**BLOCKED NUMBER**

_**What I really meant to say** _

_**Is I'm sorry for the way I am** _

_**I never meant to be so cold.** _

Jane didn’t know who it was or how to reply. Sliding the phone on she opened the messaging app. Her eyes widen in shock, besides the few messages from Ian, Jane and Erik, there was dozens of unknown number messages. _Huh……_ She was tempted to open them and read. A beep from Darcy’s machine made Jane jump. Her heart fluttered in her chest.  She looked down at the phone with a frown and typed. She brought the phone towards the her ear and lean back into her chair. Tears and exhaustion tethered at the edge of her body, circling ready to attack her in a moment of weakness.

 

Ring.

 

Ring.

 

Ring.

 

Click.

 

Jane took a raspy breath and a sob came out on her exhale.

 

“Thor, I need you….it's Darcy….something happened….”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay....
> 
> Let me know what you think. I understand if you want to murder me, I kinda want to do that to myself right now. 
> 
> Any takers on beta? I need one. 
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mssunfire


	3. I have these thoughts So often I ought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a plan for this now....I woke up inspired. I know the chapter will seem short but its all part of the plan.

**Darcy**

 

Darkness and pain. It's the only thing that surrounds me in this endless oblivion. It  feels like a thousand needles piercing my skin as I float above the world. I feel trapped inside of my physical body, tied down on every limb. All the while I am thrashing inside my mind trying to escape. _I need help._ No I can do this on my own. I don't need help. I have it under control.  _LAIR....._ I just need to go slower....or sleep forever. 

 

~~_Clint….._~~ No I can’t think about him. Can’t think about the excuses, the pain, the rage.

 

Beep.

 

Beep.

 

I understand what is going on. I know what I did. I know jane found me. I know that she watched me almost die...I know I am in a coma. At Least that’s what they told her.

 

I feel like I am sleeping with my eyes wide open. The wrestle of everyday life around me, the conversations, the tastes of chemicals on the air, the whispers of anger and love. I hear everything and I can’t move to reply. No twitch. No voice. Nothing. It's like listening to your life from a TV radio. It's all there you just can’t reach out and grasp it, no matter how much you want to.

 

_Clint…_

Stop.This needs to stop. I can’t keep doing this to myself. He doesn’t want me. I should be able to just end it all. Kill myself. Take the damn needle to stop the pain and end it all. Stop the suffering with one quick plunge into my vein. _Why can’t it be that easy….._

I can’t even overdose correctly. I am still here. Failure to produce a wanted result. What good am I in the world if I can’t do anything right. Grades, soulmate, science, drugs….. I can’t do any of the correctly. _Oh God….somebody kill me_.

 

_Clint…._

 

Ian was a mistake…. _OH god Ian…._ He was right next to me. Is he in another room? Is he Okay?

 

Voice’s again. I hear them around me. Can’t make out what they are saying. The fog is too deep. I don’t understand. I don't want to understand. I want to stay in the oblivian. drowned in the frames of my pain forever.

 

_I want Clint…._

  
  


I never told Jane about Clint. About meeting my soulmate. I wanted to keep everything for myself just for a while, just for me. I wanted to be able to savour every bit of him just to myself. it all went to hell when I fucked it up. I had to have that pill…...I just needed it for stuff. Everyday stuff. On god I am so fucked up…..

 

I need Clint more….

  
  


Inside my mind I scream everyday against this darkness, try to struggle against my body. I try to free yourself from this world. From this pain. From this reality. Everyday I hear the pain I have caused other, pain I can’t sooth, pain I don’t want to know about.  I can’t move, I can’t speak. I am surrounded by darkness. Trapped in the body…...

  
  
  
  
  
**_SOMEBODY HELP ME....._ **   
  



	4. My pride is no longer inside It's on my sleeve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midgard called them Drugs. Heroin , poison of the veins.

**Thor**

 

For all the he knew in these realms, Thor could say he didn’t understand what was happening. He could play an ignorant being from another realm, blind to the problems on Midgard. Could blame that Asgard didn't’ have these problems. Play the face of a sad puppy trying to gain an understanding of the world. It would all be a lie.

 

 _Oh Darcy...my shield sister_. Thor stood over the bed, arms crossed over his chest. Face was tight with an unreadable expression. The weight of the world had never felt so heavily on his shoulders.  All his years of existence never prepared him to deal with this....again. This girl was a part of him. Bonded in a a chance of fate from a battle and love, his lightening sister, his beloved's dearest friend.

 

Midgard called them Drugs. Heroin , _poison of the veins_.  The doctors said that another substance was found thick in her blood also, Adderal. It was a wonder she was still alive. If you would call this living, hooked up to tubes and wires, noisy Midgardian machines. Machines keeping her body stable, alive. Supporting her every need. Machines, when the body should be able to provide for its self. This body was poisoned now. Fighting for its life, while the mind gave up. 

 

Asgard called them ** _umbra mortis_**. Shadow death. It wasn’t as common on Asgard as it was on Midgard. It was like a dirty little secret in his realm, one he had himself indulged in years ago. Never to this extent, never to the extent to of the dark sleep, never to the extent of almost losing his life. For all that Asgardians could go against and live for eons, they could still succumb to the power of the Shadow Death. The sweet nectar of Hel, brought from the underworld for the pleasure of the brave. He had seen this before....he had seen... _Loki...._

 

Thor understood this more than anyone on midgard new. He watched Loki battle with it years ago, over a 300. It was a fight he did not want to be reminded of. A time when the young and reckless behavior they shared brought pain and anguish for their friendship and brotherhood, that started the cascading events of the events of New York. It shattered the foundation of them.

 

Seeing this poor fragile body, bound to a bed flickering back and forth from the other world, Thor had never felt so lost. So unable to lead, help, comfort. He had failed before, trying to save a loved one. Thor had had this journey before, the struggle the anger, the hope, the devastation. Watched someone he loved destroy themselves over and over and over.   _How does one save a life?..When they don’t want to be saved….._

Somethings didn’t make sense. _How did it come to this? What did we miss?_ Thor felt like he was missing a piece of the puzzle. Like something triggered these events to spiral out of control. For all that Darcy was open and loud, she was closed off and secret. A blend of contraction. A distraction from her truth. Thor knew that way of life well, not unlike Loki and his….problems.

 

“Thor..” He moved from his stance over his beloved shield sister. In the doorway stood him love, his midgardian gift of a soulmate. Thor had never seen her this devastated, her body was showing every ounce of stress from pale skin to shaking limbs. Jane was buckling in the wake of Darcy’s self destruction. He knew the pain she felt. It weight heavily inside of his body and through his soul. Wrapping them both in a hold of stillness, never moving, suffering and collapsing around them with a loss of the truth. 

 

Moving closer he opened his arms as she collapsed into them. He felt the pain, be it from experience or the soul bond they share he would never know. All he could comprehend was the pain they felt together. They were the pillars of strength for each other, in this time of need it was all they had. 

 

“I do not know what happened, my love. I never saw it either.” Thor voice shook, the guilt eating at him. Thousands of years of living he was blind yet again. Fooled. Anger swirled under his skin, wanting to claw up from his stomach and out his mouth in a blinding rage. He pushed it down as fast as it started. Anger never helped this. Being angry at the situation, the drug, the person. It all just made the self destruction and devastation worse. Anger never saved a life, only pushed it away.  “ I do not know how we missed this.”

 

Jane's body broke in a flood of tears against his skin. The need to fix the situation, remedy her pain, his pain; most of all save his little sister swirled inside of him. Thor never felt so weak in his existence, no matter the bruises, broken bones, Loki’s cruelty, having his beloved broken by her friend's pain was devastating. He had to be strong, brave, help, its the only thing he could do now. 

 

“I just want help her…..I am so angry….Thor….I just...I don’t know anymore” Jane's sobs of despair clenched into his heart, his soul. “ And Ian….he didn’t….he is….gone” Thor pulled his eyes tightly shut. The loss of a life….to this poison.

 

“I do not know the course of action that we should take, my love. I wish to battle these demons from your mind, to save her from this action. It is not a monster I can quarrel with. We must support her, must help her, we must not give up. This is all I know and I wish for more..”

 

Jane lifted her head and looking into Thor’s eyes, deep with understanding and devastating pain. A magnitude of love swelled through them, despite the harsh circumstances of pain. In this moment, the world came to a halt, they would do anything for each other. Stop each other's pain, save this girl the best they could for the mutual love for each other and for their little sister.

 

“Stark has offered to have her moved to the tower” Thor words broke the quelling silence. “ He as a team of doctors and a Jet waiting. They will be able to mover he without hindering her further, my love. I think it is for the best, but I leave it up to you.”

 

Thor watched Jane look over Darcy’s figure succumb to the bed. He hoped she would agree, Stark for all his faults had heart, had a flicker of understanding when Thor taken the call. An understanding only someone with the same pain could give. Thor tilted Jane's head back towards him to avert her eyes to more despair at looking at the broken girls bed, he searched her eyes for the answer.  _Please my Jane....._

 

“Let's take Darcy home…..” Jane whispered her reply.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this fic title and all the chapter title comes from one song. I love the song so much..


	5. Cause somebody stole My car radio And now I just sit in silence

**Darcy**

 

When I was little I used to dream about being a bird, a bird that could fly away from crazy world. Used to dream about growing beautiful wings, spreading them far and fast across the winds and taking flight. Being free from every commitment in this world my soulmate and I would spread our wings and go off to our own little world. It was a beautiful dream, a lost dream. 

 

Life doesn’t always work out how we want it. No matter how hard we try, it doesn't always work out. 

 

I still hear the noise around me. It builds up around me like a roar, I don't understand most of it. I know they moved me, I know that I am not in London anymore. I am back stateside. I don't know how I know, maybe the words make sense sometimes, maybe I understand the voices. I don't remember right now. I can't comprehend them, its like a foreign language or trying to understand but your deaf to the world around you. 

 

I feel like a am floating into darkness. _So alone……_

 

Floating is not like soaring or flying. I feels like I am trapped. Its like being a suspended animation, i alive in a stasis waiting for the world to right itself.   I am waiting for the right moment to move to emerge from this dark oblivion. Like I have to do something, I keep trying to move towards the voices...sometimes. Sometimes I move away from them, they sound hurt and in pain. _How I feel…._

 

I never imagined my life would end up here. Never imagined my soulmate abandoning me. Or the pain I caused, the devastation I caused before we even really started. So many times I wanted to tell Jane and Thor.  Ian knew, he understood, his soulmate died before they met, his skin ash over the mark. He understood what being alone meant. What it was like to be obsolete to the world....  _Ian…._

 

Is this death? Am I still alive? I feel air forcing my lungs to inflate and deflate, I hear vague sounds in the background of machines and voices.  I wonder sometimes if I am dead, I don’t feel much right now. I feel pain, I feel alone, lost. Maybe this is Hell. My hell, lost alone in darkness with my regret, pain and thoughts. I should have stopped….I should have gotten help 

_Clint....please...._

 

I just wanted the pain to stop...The burning hole inside my soul, wanted to feel whole again, smile, laugh, fee carefree. Ian was my backlash, my door, my gateway, my wine when I needed water. He filled me up with fake emotions and drugs, brought the pleasure and took away the pain. It was empty pleasure  but anything is better than nothing. 

_I cheated to fill the void, a void caused by you....._

_Tainted love….._

 

_Clint forgive me….._

 

This world is so confusing, I wish there was an answer. I wish I knew what happened to him, why he gave up....on us. 

Why he sends me those messages, reminding me he is still out there and I am here surrounded but alone. When I need him the most now, I need him so much. I wonder if he needs me as much as I need him. I watched the coverage of new York, I know he was there. I watched with glazed filled eyes of horror as my whole world collapsed again. I tried to find him after, called him, texted, hunted down shield agents, tried to call the ipod thief. I tried, no one would give me an answer. A single message a two weeks later confirmed he was alive, alive but didn't want me anymore....

 

**Blocked Number**

**_I'm sick of the lie_ **   
**_And you're too late_ **

 

That was the first, weeks came with nothing then they started to come weekly. Messages of self hatred, anger, pain, all of it my fault. I wish I could change the past....I want to make it all better but how to you change the stars. I want to save him this pain, want him to gain hope in us again. 

 

_How can you save someone when you need to save your self?_

 

**_I need to wake up….._ **

 


	6. I ponder of something terrifying 'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had to fix this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is becoming longer than I planned. At this point I am playing it by ear, Darcy will wake up soon. We will be introducing a couple more characters points of view ( Steve, Bruce, and then Natasha). I am centering chapters back and fourth between what Darcy's is feeling and a new point of view. Clint will not be part of this story, well not physically. The next in the one will be completely centered on him ( and Darcy). I know some are not happy since the first in this series I left it opened. We will be coming back to that very moment, soon. 
> 
> Again thank you for reading and I love comments. They inspire and drive me to continue, that and my epic playlist. 
> 
> Also this pairing kinda of just jumped on my page lol

 

**Tony Stark**

 

It was like looking into a mirror, if a mirror showed the the opposite gender. Tony knew this pain, knew this feeling. He had been here, destroyed his own world, he self destructed at his darkest hour.  Ge lost hope, lost himself, deviated from life so far he isolated his pain into destruction. The pain that it wrought on his body, the pain he caused his loved ones. The almost devastation he caused his soulmate before they met. He was well acquainted with this dance. 

 

~~_ 1,2,3 drink _ ~~

 

~~_ 1,2,3 drink _ ~~

 

He never met her, never seen her before, but the recognition of a powerless empty soul, a familiar pain made him want to reach out and save her. Save her from the pain he caused himself and friends, stop her from destroying her own self. Tony Stark was not a good person, he fucked up everything, he wouldn't let her do that, he couldn’t . This felt like redemption, this felt like he could do something good, anything to ease her pain. 

 

Tony watched on the screen Jarvis brought up. Watched them bring her into the room he set up, watched as the best doctors he could afford check her tubes and wires. He couldn't turn away when he saw Thor bring in a broken Jane sobbing in devastation. He thought turning dark towards the guilt of his own..  _ Pepper and Rhodey…. _

 

Thor and Jane were this girl’s Pepper and Rhodey. They were all the same pieces of a puzzle, they all held each other together, a smaller part of a bigger picture. Tony grasped this in his brain, it's something he knew better than other. It hurt, they hurt, he needed to fix this. He had to fix this. He was a fixer, everything that crossed his path he had to fix. It was a compulsion, something he couldn't control. 

 

The screen flickered a closer look, Jarvis always anticipated needs, no words were needed. Darcy lewis looked like shit, there was no other words to describe her. A once beautiful woman, brought to her knees with a problem. An addiction…..

 

He didn’t know how long he watched the feed from the room. He watched Jane get pulled away by Thor a while after they set Darcy up. Tony watched Darcy’s face, her eyes move under her lids in a rapid pace. It was like they were fighting to open and shut forever all at once.  He just watched, like somehow observing this girl would give him the answer to fix it. 

 

He had to fix this. 

 

Never had he imagined the face on his teammate, Thor when he got the call. It was as if watching a car crash, one minute he was lamenting the wonders of his beloved Jane and sister Darcy with excitement of them coming to live at the tower. The next a call broke an Asgardian God, a prince, into a pile of shards on the floor. No one should ever see that. Ever. 

 

Tony absorbed himself into his thoughts, calculating ways to help without getting too involved. This wasnt his friend, he didn’t want to make matters worse. He pulled up her medical report, reading and rereading the chances she had to recover and wake. They were optimistic, they were better than his...when he self destructed. 

 

He jumped as a pair of strong arms wrapped around him. Heat warmed his back in soft comfort, something only a soulmate could provide. The scent of fall leaves, apple harvests and something he could never put in words, he tried constantly, filled his lungs. It helped pull his mind away from his racing thoughts, like getting a breath from drowning. 

 

“ You know, normal people would have gone down and talked to Thor and Jane to check on them, not stalk them with an AI.” A soft voice rumbled into his ear. 

 

“If I was normal, they wouldn’t have been able to bring her back here….” He replied closing his eyes. 

 

“Your right, you a good person Tony Stark, no matter what happens, you did the right thing. You don’t have to explain right now but one day I will want to know why this is so important to you” The arms pulled him tighter, safety was all Tony could feel, safe from the pain of memories and his own demons. 

 

“I have been there, where she is at…..I did something to myself...caused my loved ones pain...I just...I want…” He couldn't answer, couldn't put it into words. Tony never had been good a feelings, math sure, but emotions were hard. 

 

“I understand. You don’t need to explain. Tony I love you.” Tony eyes blinked back tears, he alway had Pepper and Rhodey there for him, but he never had this before. The love so deep and understanding that no words were needed between them. 

 

“I love you too Steve….thank you” He felt Steve’s arms stiffen up for a moment in shock, then a small breathy laugh was felt against his neck. He could do this, he could be happy, and Tony will show Darcy Lewis she could too. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. There is no distraction to mask what is real

**Darcy**

Sometimes being in the quiet its so soothing, it's like a moment in time just for yourself.  A comfort of cotton wrapped around your mind, soothing any fears and stray anxious worries. The silents can let your mind wonder to soft worlds and fantasies. You can image a world that never existed, play a character on a journey, relive a glorious moment in your life. Silents can let your imagination thrive. 

 

Through sometimes the quiet it is violent, everything inside the mind rushes forward. You have no control over where your thoughts begin and end. The ugly truths, embarrassing moments, the sick feeling of guilt turns your stomach and mind into a sick war of thoughts. No matter what you do you can’t control anything inside you mind, it takes over. The feelings and rush of negativity just negates your whole being, you have no power. _Hopeless, helpless, lost._

 

I feel like I am floating in a wave now, I can almost reach out and touch the surface. Its right there at the edge of my mind, I keep trying to grasp it then the quiet takes over. Sometimes I hear them talking to me, I can make out words filled with emotion, Thor and Jane, some I don’t know. They all keep telling me to hold on. That life is worth something….

 

Maybe fear is holding me back from waking, maybe it's the coma. I am unable to decided, maybe we are all living in the matrix and I don’t exist at all. Surprisingly that is a comforting thought….I question my insanity…. I know when I do emerge into the light again my life will never be the same...I don’t know what anyone wants of me. They will want answers I don’t want to give, they will want me to stop this, stop my only release from pain. I know I hurt them, I don’t want to hurt them…..

 

If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later. I drown myself in poison to escape the poison in my life…. _nothing will ever be the same…_

 

I can feel the pull again, it's like falling and rushing down and being pulled up all at once. Sounds become louder, harsh. Sensations become more pronounced, I can feel the scratchy sheets against my skin, the burning feeling in my throat, soft air moving across my skin. I still can’t open my eyes, it’s hard. The feel so heavy, seal shut, i don’t want to open them, I don’t want to go back to reality. Back to reality is back to no… _Clint….._

  
  



	8. My skin will scream Reminding me of Who I killed inside my dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He tried, he really did. He pushed through everyday smiling like a good soldier, just to end up alone at night wanting to stop the pain. Everything felt like it was clawing its way around his body wanting to break free, but all he did was swallow it down and drowned in its hopelessness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: PTSD brought to attention in this chapter...
> 
> I am on this hyperfocused angst trip right now with my little world of avangers. So yeah....enjoy Sorry for the typos and stuff...

**Steve**

They took turns.

 

They took turns watching over her for Thor and Jane, letting them rest when they needed it, gave them stuff to do for a distraction. It was the only thing Steve could do for them. Tony had called every possible medical person he could get to help, Bruce monitored the medications and chart, giving his input. It's all they could do for them, for her.  All he could do was watch….

 

The room was dark, absent for of noise save for the soft swirls of  medical machines and the scratching of pencil on paper. Despit the comfort of night, Steve felt anxious inside a room that smelled of antiseptic and bleach. A smell he was too familiar with from childhood, through it had changed it still had a small sense of ‘sameness’. It was the only way his mind could describe it, not much in this world had ‘sameness’ anymore.

 

Everything was so different, sure people were still people, but the culture, food, building, technologies. It was overwhelming, his mind barely was able to comprehend all the sites and sounds that filled his mind.  Blind panic filled him on  a daily basis now when something new was introduced or when someone spoke in an unknown pop culture riddle. Stupidity welled up inside him and tried to burst his mind, he just wanted it all to end….At first anyway

 

Everyday he felt like another day was a new battle, leaving a broken man more broken than before. One moment he was in the the heat of battle fighting for his life, then he woke up to a strange new world. His whole entire being felt like a vortex of just being overwhelmed, he tried to grasp reality but he just kept being sucked back and back and back. Its an endless cycle of pain and desperation.

 

He tried, he really did. He pushed through everyday smiling like a good soldier, just to end up alone at night wanting to stop the pain. Everything felt like it was clawing its way around his body wanting to break free, but all he did was swallow it down and drowned in its hopelessness.  

 

Every corner was new, something he didn’t know was waiting on the other side of it. Something he didn’t want to deal with, didn’t understand. an enemy. He tried not to look over his shoulder every time someone came up behind him, tried to hide the pain, being all alone in a world he didn’t understand.

 

Shellshock….The called it something else now….

 

“Sir wanted me to remind you that he will be in the lab when your watch is over, Captain.” The indifferent electronic voice caused steve to stiffen in shock. His breath picked up for a minutes. Closing his eyes he leaned back and counted until he his heart calmed down. it had gotten better with time, everyday was just a little bit easier, just a little...Tony helped.

Having Tony helped Steve in a way he never knew was possible. Despite the layer of obtuse distraction, Tony understood how he felt, he just got it. Soulmates did that. No matter the how hard it was some days he had Tony, even when Steve caused a fight or just angry and took it out on Tony, he got it and forgave him.

 

“Thanks Jarvis.” Steve whispered into the room quietly. Sometimes the AI was a blessing, letting her be brought back into the reality, sometimes it was still so new, so scary.

 

Steve glanced back over at the girl, Darcy Lewis. he suspected she looked beautiful before this. Now she seemed like a shell laying in the bed, hooked up to all the gadgets keeping her alive. The miracle advancement of medicine still showed him, everyday it was amazing. He didn’t really understand what happened to her, at least not fully. He wasn’t stupid they had street drugs in the 30’s, _gage, mary jane, tea, moogle, hop._ Drugs ,through never good, they were more complicated now.

 

From the stories Jane and Thor told, she reminded him of Bucky…. _No don’t start thinking about it now…._ He didn’t understand how anyone could do this to themselves, this dame just shot her body full of poison to get away from pain..

 

Steve stared at her for a moment in jealousy. He would give anything to rid the pain he felt everyday, the guilt of Bucky, surviving, the pain he caused Tony, the pain of losing everything and everyone her ever known. All gone, this girl had everything she could ever want, family, friends, a future, hell her soul mate probably. She just stuck a needle into her arm in pure desperation and gave it all up. A sneer crossed his face in disgust, it was stupid to have these feeling towards her, he never met her, he had no right to judge, but to error is to be human.

 

Steve stood up from his dark corner and walked towards the bed. Her face was contorted in pain, she didn’t look peaceful at all. Guilt welled up further inside him, for feeling the way he did. It wasn’t right.

 

“Miss Lewis, I am sorry, I hope you wake soon” His words met deaf ears, with a sigh he bowed his head and  laid his hand on top of hers in an attempt to comfort her and himself. Steve clutched her hand a littler harder in reassurance, conveying his feelings through touch. He started to pull his hand away, when he felt the feather light twitch from her middle finger. He stilled for a moment wondering if it was his imagination.

“Miss Lewis can you hear me?” This time he spoke the words louder into the room, hoping to bring her closer to the surface. Steve felt it again, this time harder. After three weeks, no sign of movement save for the machines conferment of brain activity, she showed a sign.

“Jarvis get Thor and Jane...and Tony, I think she moved” He called out to the ceiling. He hand moved to pull away again from her, ready for his team mates to arrive, but to his shock her hand grasped his with unknown strength in desperation. He looked from their hands to her face to find her eyes open wide in the twilight of the night. Fear, terror, waking up somewhere unknown, he knew that look. He opened his mouth to reassure her, a wild beeping started to sound. She became frantic moving both her hand to her throat and mouth where a tube was placed. Steve didn’t know what to do.

“Miss Lewis, please calm down, Thor and Jane are on there way! Please they will only be a few seconds, just calm down. Darcy it will be okay.” He frantically spoke trying to move her hands from the tube. It only caused her to struggle worse, become more frantic, with a desperate grip she grabbed the tube and pulled.

The next few moments of Steve’s life would change him forever, watching doctors on call rush in as she pulled out her tube, her heart frantic on the machines. Tears welling down her face, pain and anger of being alive, of having to wake up. Steve stood off to the side as Darcy thrashed as best she could in her weak state not to be saved, to be left in her pain. Watching Thor and Jane, desperately in love and friendship, try to calm their friend only to meet on deaf ears. The looks of betrayal and hatred glaring at them.

Steve knew how she felt…..he felt in desperately  himself.….She just wanted to be left alone...she just wanted to die…..


	9. I find over the course of our human existence One thing consists of consistence....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The man cleared his throat to grab her attention. Peeking out from her dirty hair, she gave him a questioning look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Darcy is awake yay...kinda....

 

**Dacry**

 

Everything itches. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It itched, it burned, her body felt like it crawled with a million tiny little fire ants. Darcy’s mind had an over realming need to scratch the deep agony itch inside her mind, they only nails to reach lay in a needle. A needle she couldn’t reach. 

 

She had been awake for over a week, a week of needless wanting of a needle and Clint. She didn’t speak, didn’t look them in the eye. Ignored them around her, she didn't want to be here, didn’t want their selfless help. She tried to ignore Janes pleading, Thors puppy like eyes, and when Tony Stark walked and tried to awkwardly comfort her, she turned each time away and stared out the window. When Jane finally succumb to her anger at Darcy’s selfishness Darcy’s only response was to walk to the bed and lay down. She was an empty vessel stuck in this world, unfairly, unloved. 

 

They kept her under suicide watch with a AI and nothing to do. The silents of coma was better then the silence of the world, she felt lost and alone. They didn’t understand how she felt, the feeling of complete abandonment, your soul wrenching pain for the one person who could make it better. That was a lie, he couldn’t save her now. No one could. 

 

Several times Darcy opened her mouth to ask for her phone, a few of them to ask where Clint was. He was an avenger wasn’t he. Not once did he visit her or them mention him. She didn’t feel right bringing it up or even talking, she never told anyone about Clint. So why did she have the right to ask for someone who didn’t want her? 

 

It would be so simple and easy to end it all. Just find something and cut all the pain off from the world, stop breathing one day, and everything. It would be a simple remedy to everyone's pain. To her pain. 

 

Dacry curled her body tighter around herself inside the chair, resting her head on her knee. She watched the day go by in a daze, nurses come in, speak at her, round her. Jane and Thor visit, they try to get her to talk with amusing stories and jokes. Meals come and go, she ignores them today, all her favorite things like they know her, probably janes doing. She see’s through a fog as a the tall blond shift from foot to foot in the doorway trying to find the words, then hunches in defeat and walks away. She doesn’t care anymore, it's not worth it anymore. 

 

Most days she struggles to keep her mind blanks from the unflattering need to want the needle. From wanting Clint more then the needle. What would he think? Hate her even more than he did when he walked out that door, made over some stupid pills.  **Stupid fucking useless pills.**

 

Anger swells inside her everyday, she hates herself, hates how she is treating her friends. Its hurting to hurt them. She feels so selfish, so stupid, so much pain. It seems the pain is never ending. Darcy just feel so helpless anymore, she doesn’t feel like Darcy anymore…..Who is she? 

 

Darkness fall without Darcy noticing again, it was strange for everything to go so fast and slow at the same time. Everything was spinning out of control, worse than any drug she took before, this time it was reality that was spinning her out of control. She stood from her chair, her chest heaving, she tried to grasp her emotion inside her. It felt like her mind was finally cracking, she couldn't stand it any more, the silence, the anger, the pain, the endless hopelessness that surrounded her. 

 

With a scream she grabbed her chair and throw it at her bed, the crash was deafening in the utter silence. She was sure the AI would alert them, Darcy didn’t care she couldn’t take it anymore. She kicked at the machines, through anything she could at the wall. It had to come out, she couldn’t hold it in anymore. She didn't know what she was fighting for anymore, how she got this way. It had to get out of her, this felt so right. The need to break everything, so it was a broken as her.

 

The room filled her her self destruction, filling voided silence. The rage the built under her skin, rose to the surface in broken objects. It was releasing, to be able to get every hurt out onto something other than her.  It was like the cushando in the sympathy, a haunted melody reaching it peak. 

 

Then like all haunting melodies it came to an abrupt end. Her chest heaved as she collapsed onto the floor, tears pour like fire down her face. Wrapping her arms around herself, she finally noticed her audience. 

 

There in the doorway, stood a meek mousy brown hair man, grey peppered his hair as he shuffled a bit awkwardly.  He gave her a small knowing smile stepping closer into the room avoiding her destruction. When he reached her he sat next to her, crossed legged as she cried. 

 

Darcy stared at him, face flushed with tears, daring him to tell her she shouldn’t have done that or if she felt better now. They sat there in silence save for her sobbing for what felt like forever. Knowing her was there not expecting anything from her, she finally felt like she wasnt’t alone anymore. That words weren’t needed for comfort, just someone to come to her level and understand how she felt.  

 

The man cleared his throat to grab her attention. Peeking out from her dirty hair, she gave him a questioning look. 

 

“I am pretty sure you could give my alter ego  a run for his money” He timidly remarked as if not to startle her. Darcy eyes widen in recognition, she just had a temper tantrum in front of the hulk….omg

 

She tried to open her mouth an apology on the tip of her tongue, but the irony and sarcasm finally hit her and all that was heard was her sobbing giggles into the man's shoulder. Darcy Lewis just out did the hulk in a fit a rage...laughter felt odd….it felt good….she almost felt like Darcy….

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> P Lease comment, it helps encourage me to continue this. Thank you!


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